The last week has been a grab your popcorn and laugh at shitty Open videos kind of week. I could post the videos here, but you’ve already seen them, and they have been removed. If you have been living under a fucking rock and don’t know what I’m talking about, a well-known athlete in the SoCal region submitted a top score to 13.2. The only problem was the corresponding video he posted. I’ve reviewed the video myself and see no obvious problems with ROM. It looks exactly like every CrossFit workout I’ve ever seen. See for yourself.

What?!! You mean there was a terrible performance from one of a HUNDRED AND THIRTY EIGHT THOUSAND competitors in an online exercise competition for a fake sport with no standards? If this was the last straw for you, you’re probably the guy who JUST noticed he’s never going to get his Social Security $$ back.

If the CrossFit Gaymes hype blinded you to the point that Josh Golden’s video actually shocked you, I’ve got bad news – On the other side of that hot elf chick you want to cyber-bang in World of Warcraft is a fat, lonely man typing to you with cheeto-stained sausage fingers. Reality sucks huh?

The only person I actually respect in this entire situation is Golden. Anyone who doesn’t cheat in the open is a moron, and anyone who is willing to cheat and then post the fucking video online has some enormous, hairy balls. The only part Golden got wrong was his excuse. The “everyone else is doing it” line was weak. What he should have pointed out is that hitting full extension and pausing on the top of the box is like playing metal guitar with your Achilles .

Cheating in the Open is like doping in cycling. Why not cheat at a stupid fake sport that everyone else is cheating in already? Take a page from Lance Armstrong – cheat, conceal and make counter-accusations. By the time they’re onto you you’ll already have multiple sponsor deals and feature stories in fitness mags. You’ll be BIG TIME. And don’t bitch to me about your bullshit ethics. If you had a moral conscience you would’ve donated those 20 bucks to the poor instead of contributing to HQ’s fundraiser for a SECOND private jet.

The internet is not a place to judge exercise, it’s a place to mock it.

The only down side of this hilarious bullshit is that it has forced me to scroll through more of your facebook and twitter feeds than usual… and that has lead me to one very important conclusion: I fucking hate your stupid “motivational” exercise memes.

That’s why I invented a new game the keep from punching my hand through my computer screen every time I read your motivational estrogen-soaked bullshit you people eat for breakfast.

It’s just like the old fortune cookie “in bed” game, except instead of being obnoxious and rarely funny, this version delivers the lulz. Just read your favorite motivational fitness memes aloud and add the phrase “…said the serial rapist” to the end. Enjoy.

Of course, some of them are just too easy to even bother…

Go troll your Facebook feed and play “Said the serial rapist” on your own. Post your favorites on my FB page. If you are one of those crybabies who is going to comment that “Rape isn’t funny” and I “should be ashamed of myself”, let me answer you in advance- NO SHIT Rape isn’t funny. That’s why I hope If I ever get raped it’s by a clown. Might as well get a good chuckle while your having your shit pushed in right?

Dear director of the CrossFit Games, Dave Castro,

I write you today to make a formal recommendation regarding the programming of 2013 CrossFit Open competition. While I imagine much of said programming has already been written in crayon on the back of bar-napkins, my hope is that you will take the following considerations into account before the final events are announced, so that the Open might be less embarrassing than it was last year.

1. We both know that 7 minutes of the same thing over and over again is fucking lame (except for lap dances). Need I remind you I paid 20$ to get into last year’s Open? Why was the first workout the equivalent of a BS “hotel workout” Crossfit coaches give clients who travel for business? This JV bullshit needs to be fixed this year. Didn’t you once say that couplets and triplets are the heart of good programming or some nonsense like that?

2. Please increase the loading in the Open so I can maintain my alpha-male status in the gym. Flailing around for 15 minute with a 20 pound ball might look cool in a CrossFit gym, but try to remember that some of us still do this shit in globo-gyms full of normal people. Throwing around baby-weight while my buddy films me on his iphone is practically  begging for an eye-fucking in the locker-room.

3. I suggest than anyone who gets a top-10 score in their region submit a video. I don’t give a fuck what their coach says they did. Watching “winners” go to Regionals and blow-up was funny in 2011. Now it’s just sort of a sad reminder of the obvious- that grown men take virtual exercise competitions seriously enough to cheat at them.

4. Please put more skirt on the update show. Rory McHomo was doing a great job of representing the feminine side of the show’s cast, but the real chick you’ve added is somewhat better looking. Let’s just make sure Sherwood regularly reminds her of the woman’s place in sports broadcasting- fixing snacks and helping to pick ties for the men.

5. This suggestion may come as a surprise, but please put some of that $$$ you make on the Open towards advertising. Seriously, put that shit up on some billboards or pay for a super-bowl commercial. Why? Because I’m sick of all the idiots who think CrossFit is still a cool underground fitness cult. If you would just start to advertise, all the hipsters would go back to smoking clove cigarrettes and drinking PBR instead of taking pictures of their ironic handstands and taking meat-butchering classes.

Dear  douchebags, please stop trying to turn “working out and eating healthy” into a hipster subculture.

6. Allow everyone to do drugs. Seriously, Mr. Castro, hear me out. Think of how much more entertaining this nonsense in LA would be if you dropped the “world’s fittest” act and let everyone juice? Not only would it be way more fun to watch, but little guys like Spealler might start showing up in the top 10 again. Now don’t pretend this isn’t already going on. there were women’s masters competitors crushing grown men in last year’s Open workouts. Either driving your grand-kids to soccer practice is the secret to fitness some of these cougars are spending their mall money on blood doping.

Need I remind you that my 20$ can be spent elsewhere next year?

20 bucks that doesn’t guarantee an embarrassing injury.

Oh and by the way, this is how I feel every time you use the term “world record” regarding an event that has existed for less than a week:

This post is dedicated to my favorite type of Crossfitter- the assholes among us who are actually convinced they have the potential to make it to the CrossFit Gaymes. Armed with full-body skins, 6 months of CrossFit experience, and a total disconnect from reality. These hypnotized cool-aid chuggers are just weeks away from having their dreams crushed by a poorly-programmed virtual competition known as the CrossFit Open.

This is going to sting, but since you obviously didn’t have a man in the house as a child to set your fucking head straight, you need me to do it now. There is a reason you don’t see middle-aged white guys who started playing sports a year ago walking around with the belief they are a season away from getting drafted by the NY Jets.

First off, you either won the genetic lottery or you didn’t. Next, you must apply that talent to sports (or for SEC hopefuls, jumping fences and running from cops) from the time you are born. Finally, you’ve got to work your ass off if you want to stay competitive with all of the other genetic freaks competing for relevance in your sport.

Do you feel like a fucking retard yet for thinking you are going to be the next Josh Bridges? Sure it’s possible…if we are talking about a pudgy, flat-footed, non-SEAL Josh Bridges with a degree in women’s studies.

What fuels this nonsense? The retarded belief that programming, nutrition, coaching, or even fancy fucking wooden shoes are ever going to make you an elite athlete. That’s right CrossFit world, none of your beloved idols means shit when it comes to being successful at sports (even the fake ones).

Sure he’s frightening, but he IS a certified L1 Crossfit trainer…

If your competitive exercising dreams haven’t morphed into self-directed verbal abuse yet, let’s use Rich Froning as an example. Do you think Rich Froning is elite because he’s got some special snowflake programming that he’s decrypted from the numerology of the old testament? Fuck no. He just trains everything all the fucking time, and he makes his workouts up like the do at CrossFit.com- randomly.

How about his diet? That son of a bitch eats like he works at a food court in the mall. He’s not alone either.

So what about coaching? Sure, some limp-dick coach can yell at you when you don’t squat low enough, but that’s not gonna cut it. Coaching is overrated, plain and simple.

Do you think Holley Mangold lifts like a champion because her coach offered up the brilliant cue “TITS TO FACE !” ?  Fuck no. She’s a champion because she’s fucking built to lift. Her coach just picks the weight and takes the credit for her beastly genetics. All good coaches do this. All good coaches also have penises, since female coaches are terrible.

So if a real coach isn’t going to get you that Nike sponsorship, do you think the 150$ per month “virtual coach” your boyfriend uses is going to make you elite? Not only is he not watching the crappy iphone videos you send him, but the bullshit cue he stole from Kelly Starret about your “knee tourque” isn’t going to mean shit when 7 minutes of burpees fucks you in the ass.

Maybe he can google-doc your way into a 15 pound snatch PR. By that time Froning will be hitting 320. But hey, at least you got a sweet T-shirt with a Harry-Potter owl on it. Quit now, pussy.

But that’s ok as long as you have the best gear right? Like that 40$ speed-rope that leaves lacerations all over your body because you suck at double-unders? How about that rock-tape you paid your witch doctor physical therapist to plaster all over your body the last time you competed? Oh that’s right, you were beaten in that event by a chick not wearing an expensive crutch.

The bottom line here is you’re too much of a pussy to work as hard as Froning, and there isn’t shit you’re going to do about your genetics.

When this Games season is over, and you realize that with all of your fancy fucking programming, paleo challenges, digital coaching, and knee-wraps, you’re still only the 14,000th fittest person in your region, please remember to take a picture of you crying at your computer and post it on my Facebook page.

You may think I’m laughing at you, but I’ll soon be laughing with you. When this season wraps up, and you’re disillusioned with how fucking stupid competitive exercising really is, you’ll trade in those nano 2.0′s for a keyboard and join my ranks in the trolling masses… and that warms my cold heart.

Now please put your fucking eye back in your head:

Like any responsible American, I get most of my news from my facebook feed. While this leads to me seeing tons of your shit I could care less about, nothing tops the phenomena of the Yuppie Adventure Weekend. As if destroying your body with Crossfit Monday through Friday wasn’t enough, these fucktards feel the need to further their exercise addiction by paying someone to abuse them on the days they should be watching football and drinking like normal people.

The Mud-Run

The Yuppie Adventure Weekends comes in many forms, but the common denominator is paying someone a lot of money to make you do stupid, physically-taxing stuff that gets you dirty. The most pathetic incarnation of this phenomena is known as the “mud-run”, which as far as I can tell is just the skanky, wet t-shirt version of a “fun-run”. Mud runs are a multimillion dollar industry. This isn’t a surprise considering you could snort a line of coke off a stripper’s tits for what it costs to run in a single race.

Not surprisingly, Reebok caught wind of Crossfitters spending $$$ on mun-run gear and jumped at the opportunity to whore themselves out to another brand that might give them a real identity. These mud-runs are cleverly sold with words like  “spartan”, “savage”, and “tough”. This somehow makes people think that falling down for 5 miles is going to transform them into bad-asses. What they don’t realize is that they are paying out the ass to do the same thing dirty hippies have been doing at shitty jam-band festivals for decades. Think mud-runs make you special? At least the hippies have the excuse of being on drugs. You’re just an asshole missing your kid’s soccer game so you can crawl through puddles in knee-socks with your X-fit friends.

Music festival or Mud-run: Can you spot the difference? Does it matter?

The “Fun” Ruck March

But if scraping mud out of your ass crack helps you big-ball your co-workers around the water-cooler, why stop there? Sign-up for the mud-run’s  pseudo-military cousin- the ruck-sack challenge. A smart person would look at the elite members of our military and think they were bad-ass because they shoot people in the face and jump out of helicopters. A yuppie idiot thinks they are bad-ass because they walk for a really long time with a heavy backpack on. This confusion has created a weekend event where lonely white males pay big bucks for an ugly Louis Vuitton-priced assault pack and walk through puddles until their feet hurt. Expect to see a high volume of vibram 5 fingers on the participants, and hear about their 275 pound deadlift PR’s.

To be accurate, the “fun” ruck march phenomena isn’t just sad, it’s dumb as fuck. If you really wish you had joined the military and are looking to find the physical equivalent of your medal of honor games, I’ve got a much cheaper solution. Put some rocks in your over-priced backpack and walk through Southern CA in an LAPD uniform. You’ll still get to carry heavy shit, but you might also get some live rounds shot over your head. I for one think pissing yourself out of fear is slightly more respectable than doing it to stay warm because your fake drill instructor made you walk through a city drainage pool. 

Dumb and Dangerous

These events are both a little like having unprotected sex with a prostitute (you know, like the one hangs out behind the Chevron next to the overpass). You may not get an STD the first time you do it, but eventually you will. In reality,Yuppie Adventure Weekends are no different than doing CrossFit. You’re gonna get fucking hurt. The difference is you have to make up a story about how you got hurt that isn’t as embarrassing as “I paid to run on a cross-country course that someone took a shit on and this brilliant decision left me with a torn ACL”.

Or you could be Fcking Elite and just combine the two. Mud-ruck runs. Fuck yea. And while I have your attention, fuck your mind up with this “cartoon”: