The last week has been a grab your popcorn and laugh at shitty Open videos kind of week. I could post the videos here, but you’ve already seen them, and they have been removed. If you have been living under a fucking rock and don’t know what I’m talking about, a well-known athlete in the SoCal region submitted a top score to 13.2. The only problem was the corresponding video he posted. I’ve reviewed the video myself and see no obvious problems with ROM. It looks exactly like every CrossFit workout I’ve ever seen. See for yourself.
What?!! You mean there was a terrible performance from one of a HUNDRED AND THIRTY EIGHT THOUSAND competitors in an online exercise competition for a fake sport with no standards? If this was the last straw for you, you’re probably the guy who JUST noticed he’s never going to get his Social Security $$ back.
If the CrossFit Gaymes hype blinded you to the point that Josh Golden’s video actually shocked you, I’ve got bad news – On the other side of that hot elf chick you want to cyber-bang in World of Warcraft is a fat, lonely man typing to you with cheeto-stained sausage fingers. Reality sucks huh?
The only person I actually respect in this entire situation is Golden. Anyone who doesn’t cheat in the open is a moron, and anyone who is willing to cheat and then post the fucking video online has some enormous, hairy balls. The only part Golden got wrong was his excuse. The “everyone else is doing it” line was weak. What he should have pointed out is that hitting full extension and pausing on the top of the box is like playing metal guitar with your Achilles .
Cheating in the Open is like doping in cycling. Why not cheat at a stupid fake sport that everyone else is cheating in already? Take a page from Lance Armstrong – cheat, conceal and make counter-accusations. By the time they’re onto you you’ll already have multiple sponsor deals and feature stories in fitness mags. You’ll be BIG TIME. And don’t bitch to me about your bullshit ethics. If you had a moral conscience you would’ve donated those 20 bucks to the poor instead of contributing to HQ’s fundraiser for a SECOND private jet.
The internet is not a place to judge exercise, it’s a place to mock it.
The only down side of this hilarious bullshit is that it has forced me to scroll through more of your facebook and twitter feeds than usual… and that has lead me to one very important conclusion: I fucking hate your stupid “motivational” exercise memes.
That’s why I invented a new game the keep from punching my hand through my computer screen every time I read your motivational estrogen-soaked bullshit you people eat for breakfast.
It’s just like the old fortune cookie “in bed” game, except instead of being obnoxious and rarely funny, this version delivers the lulz. Just read your favorite motivational fitness memes aloud and add the phrase “…said the serial rapist” to the end. Enjoy.
Of course, some of them are just too easy to even bother…
Go troll your Facebook feed and play “Said the serial rapist” on your own. Post your favorites on my FB page. If you are one of those crybabies who is going to comment that “Rape isn’t funny” and I “should be ashamed of myself”, let me answer you in advance- NO SHIT Rape isn’t funny. That’s why I hope If I ever get raped it’s by a clown. Might as well get a good chuckle while your having your shit pushed in right?